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one day to go. eleven days of fasting. this is killing me. worked out for an hour, burnt around 700cals. right now every part of me is hurting. im so, so, so dizzy... what else could I expect? I just made a cup of tea with equal, and I cant even stomach that. my heart hurts real bad.. is that normal? whatever, I dont care tonight. I dont care about anything, nothing, no one. and sure as hell they dont care about me.
this is so shit. like seriously. school, home, and this desperate trying and failing to lose always more weight. everything - its just a whole load of shit. its all just so fake and fucked up. thats me alright, fucked up.
i promised myself i wouldnt cut again, at least not before formal. my mother saw my wrist in hospital a few weeks ago, when they were looking for a vein. i fed her some lie, and like the naive mother she is, she denied herself the truth and believed it. at least the cuts have healed - im pretty surprised, considering they bled for hours at the time. but the scars, i see them everyday, and it makes me want to hide away, and cry it all away. it makes me so ashamed. the worst is when someone else sees them, and you have to explain them away, and convince them not to tell. i know formal is tomorrow, but right now I don't know if I can keep my promise.
part of me wants someone, anyone, to hold me and to say 'you've done so well. you can stop now.' and then this whole thing will be over. but it never will be.
tell me again, how everything will be alright.
so, ive come up with a BRILLIANT beyond BRILLIANT idea.
my awesomely awesome plan is to go in the sauna! (yeah i own one, and it helps lose weight. its actually currentlyyyyyyy heating up for me now =] ) ill do that for an hour, its good for my skin too. by then mum will be home but i wont eat dinner, ill sleep for an hour, wake up feeling refreshed and then work out for as much as i am able!
told you its brilliant.
but positive!while we were in the city, we got a break for 'lunch'. i was with my best friend (who can eat ANYTHING in MASS amounts and he still does NOT gain any weight!!) and he was all what are you having for lunch? you have to have something..
anyway so I got a hot chocolate from gloria jeans to shut him up, and they forgot to make it skinny milk ... so im going to go workout for about an hour and a half and hopefully burn about 1000 cals. at least i havent eaten - my fast is going strong - and i dont feel too dizzy today. but after, because i havent eaten i got like
which SUCKED.
formal in two days and i want to lose two kilos... possible? im going to try my best.
keep going my lovelies. xxxxxxxxx
just worked out for an hour, it feels great. still fasting: 8 days done, just over 70 hours to go!!
got my new dress today, I feel fab, but it's not enough... I guess it never will be, but today feels good.
tomorrow will be even better.
contentokay, first post. still waiting to join the community, it'd really help me out..
stats:
LW: 45kg
HW: 65kg...
CW: 58kg..
STG: 55, then 50, then 48
LTG: 45... and then less.
I know it's bad. I got quite sick last year, and went to hospital and 'recovered'. I couldn't feel worse about it. I've been doing this for years. I mainly fast and restrict, and sometimes b/p. I've been cutting for a while now too.
right now I'm fasting. I'm on day 7 (tuesday): 4 days to go, because saturday is my formal. on this fast i've lost 4kg!! and dropped a dress size!! I'm getting my new dress tomorrow, the old one is too big. still I am NOT going to look fat at my formal.
today was quite bad though.. I had to go to the nurse because of exhaustion, and she was all, what have you eaten, what are you going to eat for lunch, thats not enough eat more, while I was lying through my teeth. I hate the questions. why cant they let me be?
I havent exercised hardly any today! I have just been so, so tired.. but that's not an excuse. I'll do what it takes to get thin.
xoxox